Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Won't you take me out of my head?

Hi.
Long time no see.
So, awhile ago I did something I somewhat regret.
There was this guy.. years ago.. that I was really interested in. So was he.
We talked every single night - since I didn't have that much friends back then, it was always the best part of my day. We could talk for hours and hours without getting bored or the conversation dying out. Every "Good night!" was bittersweet.
Now, I was just a kid. I didn't know this back then. I didn't even know he had liked me.
I didn't know he liked me until we got into a huge fight over nothing and I just left.
The next day I saw that he had written "I love you!" to me.
And then.. he disappeared.
So, awhile ago I did something I somewhat regret.
I contacted this guy.
"What have I got to loose?" I thought to myself. Obviously didn't think this one through.
So I started out with: "Hey, do you remember me? We used to talk a lot like A HUNDRED years ago". Not really expecting a reply from him, since I had tried to contact him uselessly before.
To my surprise, he answered me the very next morning, saying he did remember me.
Indeed I was very happy, mostly because, I really didn't think he'd actually reply.
Smalltalk was the first thing on our list "How have you been?" - "Great."
Starting out lying.. great indeed..
We talked about nothing for awhile and then I asked him, why had he disappeared. - "I moved on"
The answer came as a shock. I put down my phone and felt empty inside. What he said, really got to me and hurt me. It was weird, I didn't think I'd even really care by now or that I cared about him or the fact that he disappeared that much.
So we somehow managed to get past that and he said, he had really missed me.
Obviously I didn't believe him.. I mean, how could I? He just fucking DISAPPEARED. And had just said he had moved on, so why would he have missed me?
So what did I say? - "Thanks"
He also said something along the lines of: "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be. "
Not exactly that but almost.
I was unsure of what to think...
We talked a little more.. the conversation kind of just died.. so I said my goodbyes and told him I was glad he decided to respond and that's the last time he responded.
I've tried chatting him up twice since then.. uselessly..
This is killing me inside. I don't know what to think and therefore I think too much.
And he is CONSTANTLY on my mind.
I literally can not even concentrate at school.
I always said "Why cry over a guy." When one of my friends had a relationship issue. Never did I think how painful these things are. I feel like my ribcage has been pressed into my heart and lungs. This shit hurts, man. I don't know what to do..

Friday, June 7, 2013

Rights and wrongs.

So I was bullied.. abused.
Throughout elementary school and halfway through middle school and I know there are still people talking shit about me now in high school.
When you're a kid everything matters, you care about everything and you find everything interesting, new and beautiful. At least I did. And it was my best friend who started bullying me. Soon after half of my class joined.. well.. all of my class joined. Not all of them said mean things or did mean things though. Well.. sometimes they did make remarks of whatever but mostly they just kept away. When they went past me, they did it from as far as they could. Yes they didn't exactly say mean things but they never talked to me either. So I spend most of my school years in class, sitting quietly. And it's not that I didn't tell the teacher.. it's not that she didn't stick with the bullies, rather than stand up for me. It's about me. I was the wrong. And I still am.
Every day I just tried to get through the school day, not that home was better - no. At home I was abused physically by my younger brother. Sounds weird - right? Well.. I was taught that you do not hit those younger than you and I really stuck by it. I was kicked, scratched, pulled from the hair, hit with heavy things (well.. as heavy as he could lift). And did my mom care? Not really. I cried for help, literally cried, she only came in half an hour, when everything had ended and shook us both by the hair. Cause it was also my fault. It was my fault he beat me. He also broke my things, tore up my schoolwork. He made home living hell.. as if school wasn't bad enough. He still abuses me sometimes.
I suppose I've suffered from depression since I was about 9-10. Then I just stopped going to school, because I couldn't face everyone there and I also absolutely hate that teacher ever since. My mom and dad were begging me to go to school every morning, trying to figure out why I wouldn't go. Trying to get me to talk to them - but why should I, it's not as if they cared earlier. I barely talked back then. I practically never opened my mouth. Only to eat food - and so my unhealthy relationship with food began. Food was practically my only friend. I ate whenever I was sad, happy, bored whatever. I constantly ate.
Back then was also when i "discovered" self-harm, cutting. I don't remember how I discovered it, but I remember I wasn't sure about what I was doing. The first cuts were shallow and didn't leave a scar. Now I know, that many people just do not understand why people cut. Well - I'm happy for you. Because you've obviously never cut and you shouldn't either. Once you start you can't really stop. It's a habit, it almost becomes your life. You constantly think about how to do it and afterwards how to hide it. I never told anyone until I was 15 or so. And I hate that the first response was "Why?".
I´ve managed to take a break from it from time to time. I always seem to relapse, so never for too long.
So now - I.... am depressed, am a cutter, have an unhealthy relationship with food, I'm lonely, antisocial, shy, never am I outgoing, can't remember the last time I was happy. I'm fat, ugly, uncomfortable with myself, I hate myself, am ashamed of myself, I'm stupid, a freak. I'm stressed out, tired and I want to die. But I can't. I won't. And I want to win this what seems like an eternal fight. Sometimes I feel weak and don't think I can though......... Most of the times...........

My dead azalea

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Filth

We can blame it on a lot of things. Or we can just admit we were shit people.
Have you ever had that feeling where you are just kind of numb but then again really angry. Angry at everything. Even angry for being angry. And yet this anger is somewhat mixed with confusion and sadness and you just don't understand what it is that you are actually feeling. Well. That's me - every single day. Despite of being angry you laugh and joke around, hold your head up high, keep a smile on your face and try to shine like a ray of light. People compliment you for being happy-looking. And that's that. They just don't get it. Not all of them, but most. And it's good that they don't, it only means that they aren't fucked up or at least as fucked up.
To think about it.. how else do you cope in this filthy gut rotting world. You either live in your own fantasy world, not understanding why people are angry or sad or whatever else, or you are angry or sad.. and develop a mental illness, such as depression or anxiety or whatever else. Of course you can always try being something in the middle.. but where does that get you? Maybe it's just my mental illness talking but.. that's how I see it..
People are shit. And, yes, no matter how much I would like to deny it, I'm shit too. I try my best not being a shitty person, but there seems to be a huge group of people who actually get a kick out of being assholes.
People are animals and by saying this I think that animals would be offended. People are worse than those who walk on all-fours. And I hope that whoever is reading this knows why, understands. If you don't - just think about it.

My dead azalea.

PS: I hate mosquitos.
PSS: I think they're reviving, because this is just unbelievable.